dreamcastR’s blog

This blog involves me, the only person in the world. Blogging about things that only I experience, being the only human alive.

Entry 8 | Frozen Heart

Are doomed relationships a real thing? If it's something truthful, why isn't it noticable right off the bat? This issue mostly pertains to people who jump too quickly into relationships, I've noticed. I have done that all of my life. Over the past almost five years I have been in and out of relationships so quickly with so many people, I feel like I've exhausted myself of love. Every boyfriend and girlfriend leading up to who I have now has been something that has only negatively impacted my life, even if the cause of the break-up was my fault. The current person I am with really does feel like the love of my life-- but even with that factor, can you maintain something healthy with so many differences and so many underlying issues between our even coming together? All the planning ahead for the future for someone you've only been with for three months... Why are you so confident in me, dear one?

I have only done bad in the past. I have cheated, I have used, I have played, and yet you still trust in me throughout all of these fights over our differences and knowing this on top of it all. We dated back in ninth grade, I remember it-- what was only three months felt like forever with you. Is that a negative, or a positive? I cannot seem to determine that for myself. I want it to be flowers and rainbows, but we're both so busy for each other, and you don't seem to understand my wants, better yet, my needs.

You can look at this and truthfully admit that I haven't been better than I was four years ago, and I'm sorry. I wish you knew my true intentions, and they are definitely not to hurt you. Not again. But it seems I indirectly do it. One step I take ahead with you, two steps I fall back because of something I didn't even realize could offend or hurt you. I'm not perfection-- far from, so why do you look at me like I am?

Damaged, sought only care and received more, only to realize I cannot give back the same amount of what you show me, what anybody shows me. I feel odd. I love you, but I don't feel like I'm enough for anyone, especially you. Thanks for putting up with me. I really hope this works, despite our distance. 

I should not complain about my wounded heart, but, man does this hurt sometimes.

"Just wait 'til tomorrow, I guess that's what they all say, just before they fall apart."

 

Hey, HC, on the topic of relationships, I wish what I had done never permanently changed you. Gasai told me all about it back when my run at the top had ended. I lost a few friends because of what I did to you. Keron tried everything to try and heal us not too long after it happened but it didn't work. I really hope you're living a good life now. I'm sorry for everything. Corbin wasn't worth the while he wanted me to believe he was. Or, maybe he would have been, if I didn't cheat... I'll never know, and I guess I don't need to know, since so much time has passed.

 

Frozen heart, only to be thawed by the right person, and I hope this is the one to do it.