Entry 10 | Worthiness of Life

I sit and watch as the water drifts about, relentlessly crashing upon rocks and doing as nature intended it to be. I take a deep breath in, and I remember where I came from. How things started, where things went. From scrapping in the ghettos of California, to the now much better area my parents have moved us to with their success. Thoughts roam my mind. What is my true purpose, I think to myself? For everything to just, happen, life takes its course without interruptions. Some memories, some feelings, I wish I could go back and erase. My life has been nothing but a rollercoaster, and on my outer and inner shell nothing may be happening in the public, but in private I'm still overwhelmed with depression and stress I had originally thought I had finally gotten rid of. There's always something about me that I can't love, something I see as a failure and nothing less of. When something positive occurs in my life, I'm quickly reminded of every other negative that I shouldn't be tasked with remembering, but it's inevitable. I'm imperfection, and many will argue that everyone is. I don't disagree, but every step I take just feels like another mistake for myself and everything I'm tasked with I feel like I'm doing wrong.

Graduating high school felt so good, I thought this was a start of a new era for me. Some reason to finally push away my worst period of my life. The place where stress and disorders began. But somehow, it was a short burst of happiness, and I no longer feel how I did. I can't tell anyone how I feel directly, I put on a mask of nothing but what I've represented myself as all my life. The guy who doesn't care-- the guy that just goes with the flow and never has many problems. The truth is, bottling my emotions is starting to hurt again. I get suicidal thoughts all over again, no heart to go through with it, too weak of a heart to repair myself. But no one truly cares as much as they make it out to be, or I don't see it. Maybe I've never applied how I feel for anyone to care.. I feel lost. I don't know my way in a hallway of a million doors. I can't help but wonder, why me? Someone who came up so happily, why is this all crashing upon me during these years? Ever since I was fourteen.. and it's only gotten worse. I wish I knew how to handle it.

I love everyone involved in my life, all the escape routes they provide to the endless tunnel, but it feels temporary. And at some points, I can't accept that. I miss myself, yet I never even got a handshake from me.

Here's to the mourning, I guess.