Entry 12 | Second Chance
I did everything in my power to make us one, I tried everything I could think of to have us work.
But everything fell apart.
And it's all my fault.
You wanted something you could hold on to forever. I thought I did, too. But I don't have enough conscious or will power to continue, and you knew that from the start, but you were blinded by love, and I was blinded by false hope to change for the better, for you, for me, for us.
It took you nearly 4 years to regain your trust in me, enough to want to put us together, and I only proved once again I was unable to handle this thing called a relationship.
You're something I still cherish and I will never be able to let you go forever on into life. But I cannot handle this. I can't handle this with anyone. There's too much going on around me to even attempt any of this anymore.
And all of it is all my fault.
Thanks for the second chance, but, it took another shot to realize why we didn't work. I'm not ready to settle down and put everything aside for one person as you want, and I don't think I'll ever be.
So we ended it.
And that's OK.
Someday we'll cross paths again, but for now, I twist my legs to the thought of you, and just like you said yourself, I'm the one that got away, and, so are you. Thank you, for everything.
A love in real life is something I've never felt, but, I think, from here on out, that's all I want to experience. Online, it hasn't worked for me, and it never will. The hard-hitting truth. A final salute goes out to my seemingly never-ending addiction.
Entry 11 | Silence
We kept our situation quiet to the masses as per your request.
What we had, shunned, by all in which surrounds us.
The essence brushes into the morning sky, while the others gather around only to judge.
Did that effect you? Are you only pushed into further negativity?
If you were happy, you'd ignore it all, just to take me by the hand.
But you were afraid.
That creates and draws the line of our differences which will forever exist as you remain the way you are.
Far from a monster, distanced from an angel, you stand as a median ground and as a reminder that everything can't be what you've expected.
The one, only referred to as redacted, resurfaces as something it is not, lying to the masses and peers in which glance in your direction.
You can't go on thinking nothing is wrong per choices you make.
Your silence is shuddering and your steadiness throughout all of it is concerning.
Entry 10 | Worthiness of Life
I sit and watch as the water drifts about, relentlessly crashing upon rocks and doing as nature intended it to be. I take a deep breath in, and I remember where I came from. How things started, where things went. From scrapping in the ghettos of California, to the now much better area my parents have moved us to with their success. Thoughts roam my mind. What is my true purpose, I think to myself? For everything to just, happen, life takes its course without interruptions. Some memories, some feelings, I wish I could go back and erase. My life has been nothing but a rollercoaster, and on my outer and inner shell nothing may be happening in the public, but in private I'm still overwhelmed with depression and stress I had originally thought I had finally gotten rid of. There's always something about me that I can't love, something I see as a failure and nothing less of. When something positive occurs in my life, I'm quickly reminded of every other negative that I shouldn't be tasked with remembering, but it's inevitable. I'm imperfection, and many will argue that everyone is. I don't disagree, but every step I take just feels like another mistake for myself and everything I'm tasked with I feel like I'm doing wrong.
Graduating high school felt so good, I thought this was a start of a new era for me. Some reason to finally push away my worst period of my life. The place where stress and disorders began. But somehow, it was a short burst of happiness, and I no longer feel how I did. I can't tell anyone how I feel directly, I put on a mask of nothing but what I've represented myself as all my life. The guy who doesn't care-- the guy that just goes with the flow and never has many problems. The truth is, bottling my emotions is starting to hurt again. I get suicidal thoughts all over again, no heart to go through with it, too weak of a heart to repair myself. But no one truly cares as much as they make it out to be, or I don't see it. Maybe I've never applied how I feel for anyone to care.. I feel lost. I don't know my way in a hallway of a million doors. I can't help but wonder, why me? Someone who came up so happily, why is this all crashing upon me during these years? Ever since I was fourteen.. and it's only gotten worse. I wish I knew how to handle it.
I love everyone involved in my life, all the escape routes they provide to the endless tunnel, but it feels temporary. And at some points, I can't accept that. I miss myself, yet I never even got a handshake from me.
Here's to the mourning, I guess.
Entry 9 | New GPU!
I was finally able to upgrade from my horribly outdated EVGA GTX 660 SC to a EVGA GTX 1070 SC! I got it for an extremely cheap price since it was use, off of an app called LetGo. It's a good first step into having a better gaming experience overall on PC, however, now I'm held back by my CPU's bottleneck. I'm okay with waiting to fix that though, I just really wanted to get that GPU when I saw how cheap it was. Am I ready to retire console yet, though? Not entirely. Maybe in the upcoming years, but for now, I'm keeping around my PS4.
I also need to invest in a new case and maybe some quieter fans. Right now this thing is a jet engine.
And a new motherboard..
Yeah I'm basically building an entirely new PC piece by piece.
Entry 8 | Frozen Heart
Are doomed relationships a real thing? If it's something truthful, why isn't it noticable right off the bat? This issue mostly pertains to people who jump too quickly into relationships, I've noticed. I have done that all of my life. Over the past almost five years I have been in and out of relationships so quickly with so many people, I feel like I've exhausted myself of love. Every boyfriend and girlfriend leading up to who I have now has been something that has only negatively impacted my life, even if the cause of the break-up was my fault. The current person I am with really does feel like the love of my life-- but even with that factor, can you maintain something healthy with so many differences and so many underlying issues between our even coming together? All the planning ahead for the future for someone you've only been with for three months... Why are you so confident in me, dear one?
I have only done bad in the past. I have cheated, I have used, I have played, and yet you still trust in me throughout all of these fights over our differences and knowing this on top of it all. We dated back in ninth grade, I remember it-- what was only three months felt like forever with you. Is that a negative, or a positive? I cannot seem to determine that for myself. I want it to be flowers and rainbows, but we're both so busy for each other, and you don't seem to understand my wants, better yet, my needs.
You can look at this and truthfully admit that I haven't been better than I was four years ago, and I'm sorry. I wish you knew my true intentions, and they are definitely not to hurt you. Not again. But it seems I indirectly do it. One step I take ahead with you, two steps I fall back because of something I didn't even realize could offend or hurt you. I'm not perfection-- far from, so why do you look at me like I am?
Damaged, sought only care and received more, only to realize I cannot give back the same amount of what you show me, what anybody shows me. I feel odd. I love you, but I don't feel like I'm enough for anyone, especially you. Thanks for putting up with me. I really hope this works, despite our distance.
I should not complain about my wounded heart, but, man does this hurt sometimes.
"Just wait 'til tomorrow, I guess that's what they all say, just before they fall apart."
Hey, HC, on the topic of relationships, I wish what I had done never permanently changed you. Gasai told me all about it back when my run at the top had ended. I lost a few friends because of what I did to you. Keron tried everything to try and heal us not too long after it happened but it didn't work. I really hope you're living a good life now. I'm sorry for everything. Corbin wasn't worth the while he wanted me to believe he was. Or, maybe he would have been, if I didn't cheat... I'll never know, and I guess I don't need to know, since so much time has passed.
Frozen heart, only to be thawed by the right person, and I hope this is the one to do it.
Entry 7
Well, I got home from work about 45 minutes ago from this post, and on YouTube I got recommended a video called "Why 2007 Was The Best Year Ever." It's really well made, I'd recommend checking it out sometime.
I'm very tired. I only got about 3 hours of sleep, but I really don't want to fall asleep for the rest of the day. Is that straining my body? I'm not sure. Probably. Meh.
I have been losing contact with a lot of my school friends. I seem to get more distant from them the more time goes on, and it sucks. Is this just apart of becoming an adult and moving on from childhood things? It makes me want to cry. I still cry a lot about things in the past, and I don't know why I can't control the tears when the thoughts come to mind. Does everyone face emotional stress like this, to the point where you cry when you just think about good things in the past? I'm getting teary-eyed just typing this and thinking about it, so I guess I'll just stop there. I wish I could look forward to the future more than I do to the past.
Sometimes it's hard to put on a smile. All my life I've just tried to make people happy and I succeeded, but all in the while I was not helping myself or getting help for myself, so I just always let myself suffer. This is especially evident when people would ask if I was okay, and honestly, I'd always say yes. Even my parents had suspicions before my actions I had taken upon myself, and I always denied. I wonder if I should ever consider a psychiatrist at times.
I recently discovered a song I loved in my childhood and it hits the feels. It's really soft and a turn from the music I'm actually known for listening to by peers but, check it out if you want to.
That'll be all for today ^-^
Entry 6 | I haven't posted something to this blog in quite a bit.
Here's the jist of things-- work totally has me blown out in terms of energy for the rest of the day. I wake up at 2AM for 3AM shifts, and 3AM for 4AM shifts. It's really unfortunate honestly, waking up that early, because I hardly ever truly get enough sleep the night before. It is my fault but sleeping at 7PM is totally not ideal for almost everyone I'm sure. However, when it comes down to it, getting paid totally kicks out all of the problems I have with it.
Aside from that things have been truly looking up! Life seems to be gettingThoughts- a bit better, I'm not on terrible terms with my parents anymore, so things are nice.
Why do people religiously hate on things that younger generations enjoy? It's something you notice with older age-- this is especially noticeable with the game Fortnite. There's finally a video game that's more widespread than COD back in the day and people are choosing to simply bandwagon hate it, and it truly annoys me. The game isn't bad; but people hate the game because kids are the face of it. "When I was a kid we had a PS2 and Need for Speed!" and it's like yeah but like those kids don't want to play that, stop, genuinely. Let people enjoy what they want to.
I wish I knew how to handle anger more. When I get upset over something really small it bothers me even further that I got upset over it. It's an endless loop of feeling angry. Some people just really need to be put in their places, they're the people that were overspoiled as a kid and were liked by everyone in school so they think they're still hot. Welp, in the real world buddy, you gotta have some extent of respect for people or there will be controversy. Chill out, man. You don't know what I'm capable of, and you'll regret it if you keep coming for me.
Sorry for the mini-rant.
That'll be all for today's entry.
